“A good marriage isn’t something you find, it’s something you make…and you have to keep on making it.”- Gary Thomas
“I feel so lonely in my own house I don’t know what to do anymore.” “We fight about the exact same thing over and over, and it seems to be getting worse.” “I never thought we would talk to each other the way we do now.” “My partner doesn’t seem to understand or even care how I am feeling.” “I’m starting to loose hope and its scary.” “I’m so mad all the time and I cannot stand it.”
These are common things couples say when calling to schedule couples therapy. Most couples have gotten to a point where they feel that the disconnection between them is so great they don’t know how to even discuss what they want to do for dinner that night.
At Rekindle, we use Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT). EFT is the only therapeutic theory with proven, lasting results. EFT focuses on the negative cycle that couples tend to get stuck in. By looking at what is happening at the root of the problem, the therapist helps the couple find a way to heal the problem so it won’t come back. In addition, the new skills learned help couples solve future problems together.
This cycle or “dance” that the couple finds themselves in at home tends to lead to one person wanting to stay and work out the problem, and one person feeling as though they have had enough and wanting to walk away before things get worse. This mismatch causes each person to feel disconnected, angry, hurt, confused, and ultimately fearful for their relationship. This worry is normal and awful and is what ultimately causes couples to seek therapy.
Couples we work with tell us that in a short amount of time they feel as though they can slow down their disagreements, communicate how they are feeling and identify where those emotions are coming from, feel validated by their partner, and ultimately feel a depth and closeness that they did not know was possible.
“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new. —Ursula K. Le Guin”
― Sue Johnson, Love Sense